The Road to Hell...

   Is paved with the best intentions. Have you ever heard that phrase before? I am living proof that it is true. Today, I had every intention of doing it all. I had planned to work out, clean the bathrooms, do some laundry, and some general house work. So far, I have accomplished having lunch, changing the shower curtain and taking a short nap.
   Oh and this blog as well. I had three and a half hours before the kids got home from school, and it just isn't looking good. It is raining and that has really dampened my spirits. Hahaha, wasn't that a clever quip?
   In all reality, I am still wanting to get a lot done today and this whole week really. But, it just seems so daunting. I hate cleaning in general, but I really hate cleaning up other people's messes. For instance, my husbands bathroom is just gross. I guess it is because it is a man's space, but I really hate doing it. Oh well, it must be done, and to prevent any sickness in the family, I will bleach the hell out of it.

I'll make you like your brother

   Work has been quite busy lately and some major changes have occurred in my life. For that reason I have been a terrible blogger as of late. I apologize. Especially to my few loyal readers. With that...
   My children have been fighting like mad lately. It has taken everything in my power not to bang their heads together. Doesn't matter where we are, what we are doing, or even if one of them is asleep, they just can't seem to quit screaming at each other.
   I am sure Spring Break doesn't exactly help the situation either. Now they get to spend every blissful moment together, morning noon and night. I am ready to scream myself.
   I took them to the store for a "quick trip" the other day. Just walking down the isle while I picked up a few things was too hard for them. "She is stepping on me," whined one. While the other complained that he was looking at her wrong. I actually made them stop and hug each other for 60 seconds right in front of the cold cuts and cheese. It worked, for about 3 minutes before they started in on it again.
   I have come to the conclusion that the only way I can bring any sort of harmony into my home, is to be less of a sinner. Today, after going to the park to run off some steam, they get back into the car and start complaining about that one never helps the other out. I, and I can't believe I am about to confess this, got out a church CD and put it on. Hymns filled the car, and for the first time in 5 days, there was peace.
   It brought back memories of my mom singing "Love At Home," whenever we were fighting. Can't believe I went there.

Dangerous Liasons

   I recently began doing some work in a new office space. I have my own desk, a heater, and a place to put pictures if I want to. I also have a liquor store right across the street. Could be a hindrance for productive work.
   Good thing the desk doesn't have big drawers, only the small ones that pens fit into. But after work...Watch out. I am quite excited for the prospect. :)

Programming Error

   I am getting ready to start a new-ish part time job. The prospect is very VERY exciting. However, I have to spend a great deal of time learning new software. Ugh!!
   I consider myself to be computer savvy, but it does make me nervous. Not only do I get to learn the program, I have to do so with my boss looking over my shoulder the whole time. That is the part that gets to me. I don't particularly care to have someone watch me learn something. I hated being taught to cook and sew and knit by my mother. I guess it makes me feel a bit judged.
   Once I am comfortable with it all, it won't be so bad. I just wish I could sit and learn it all on my own. I do better when I have time to manipulate things and play around to figure it all out. I will do it his way, and I will smile. After all, he is paying me.

Hot Dog!

   So today I decided to try an old mall favorite. When I was a child, my mom took us to Hot Dog on a Stick a couple of times. I remember how much I loved the cheese on a stick. So I was in the mall today doing a bit of shopping when I came upon the stripey uniformed employees and thought to myself, "That sounds so good."
   Not really. The cheese burned my lip, and it wasn't so tasty. Some things from our youth should be left in the past. The memory of certain things is better than actually reliving it. Ugh.

Walk-In's Not Accepted

   As an adult, I expect a certain amount of privacy. As a mother, I don't get any. Ever since my children were born, they have had the idea that walking in any room without knocking, is their inalienable right. Door can be closed, and yet, it is still not a signal enough to keep out.
   It used to not bother me too much. They were young and I didn't feel like they would be significantly damaged if they saw their own mother in a semi state of undress. But now that they are getting older themselves, I feel like this is something they should not be aware of any longer. I don't want them having the wrong idea of what a naked female is supposed to look like. No woman is born with these stretchmarks, saggy old and used breasts and cellulite.
   Unfortunately, my children have yet to catch on to the fact that a closed door means "knock". I am beginning to believe that they have no manners at all. Just today, I was in the bathroom when my daughter bursts in. "Out!!!" I cried, and she responds with , "We are both girls, so it's ok mom."
   How do I stop this? Locks I suppose.

The finished INK

   Well yesterday I went and had the tattoo done. I went in with the idea of a small lilly on my hip. But after talking with the artist and telling him what I wanted, he drew up a gorgeous design with three lillies. I fell in love. It is pretty big though.
   I was a bad ass. I brought in one of my closest friends to witness this act (and also to hold my hand if needed). I didn't cry, flinch or pass out. The artist, Jon, at Anchor Ink in SLC, UT, was amazing. He was professional and easy going. The shop was clean and I really did like the atmosphere. So here is the finished product. Obviously red from being brand new, but I am very pleased.

The Ellusive E-vite

   I have decided that the e-vite is tacky. It is tasteless, rude and very impersonal. I just received such an invitation. I am not going.
   My sister in-law is having a baby shower. Her sister is throwing it. Now this e-vite was less personal than an email or an e-greeting card. It was sent via Facebook. Seriously?
   I am glad to have an excuse not to go. Not just because I was irritated by the e-vite, but also because I don't particularly care for my sister in-law. Sad, I kind of miss talking to my brother.

Honey, Oh Sugar Sugar

   How great is my  husband? Well let me answer that in one word. Awesome!!!
   I recently took a trip for work. I had a friend who is also a co-worker who came with me on this trip. I picked her up at her house and drove us to the airport, we flew together, stayed in the same hotel and came home together. It was great. We had a delightful weekend, went out to dinner and drinks and really it was just a lot of fun.
   Well since I drove to the airport, I had to park in long term parking. Not a big deal generally, however my car has been having a few issues lately. For instance, if it sits for more than a couple of days, it doesn't want to start. We have a new alternator in it, and we replaced that battery a few weeks ago, but it is still having problems. So to make sure that I got home safely, my husband drove to the airport, an hour away, and started her up and drove her around the parking lot. Then he re parked her.
   When my friend and I arrived back at home, we got out to the car to find a little surprise for us. Inside, my husband had left Hawaiian Host Chocolate Covered Macadamia Nuts. He also left a card for me. It was so sweet talking about how much he misses me when I go. Not only did he leave me a card, but he left a card for my friend. It said he didn't want her to feel left out, and it also thanked her for being a good friend to me. Way too sweet. I am so lucky.
   And the chocolates were good too. :)

Can I borrow your sombrero?

   Ok, so I travel a lot. I am on an airplane quite often, and for the most part I try my best to give people the courtesy they deserve. I am nice and pleasant and I even try to make jokes when the situation is not looking too good. But recently, I was faced with a real grouch.
   While travelling home the other day, I experienced the tri-fecta in bad travel days. Late plane, late night flight, and full overhead bins. As I boarded the plane, I noticed that down towards my seat, the bins were already closed, indicating that they were full. So I placed my suitcase in a bin near the front of the plane and made my way towards my seat. I sat, I got comfortable and prepared myself for a short flight.
   Then, I saw the stewardess making her way back and mumbling under her breath as she was carrying the biggest and ugliest sombrero in her hands. She was saying something to the effect of "This is bigger than a floatation device, who could possibly think this would fit in a bin?" I giggled a little bit, and leaned against the window for a nap.
   After a delightful flight, and a great landing, it was finally time to deboard and get home. I joined the line moving forward and when I got to the area where I had left my bag, I saw a man standing there. I asked very sweetly "Sir, I just need to grab that pink bag there." And then he very angrily stepped aside, ignoring the fact that my hands were full and I am a smallish female and said to me, "Thank you very much for taking up this space. I had to put my things in the back of the plane because this space was taken." I told him that my bins were full, to which he again angrily replied, "No they weren't!"
  I smiled as nicely as I could, took down my heavy suitcase, and said "Thank you for your assistance, have a great day. See you soon." And then I left the plane.
   Later at the baggage carousel, I saw the man's family. Then I saw him making his way towards them. The only thing in his hand, was the Giant, Ugly Sombrero!!! Man did I feel bad for taking that space away from him.
   Who buys a sombrero anyway?

Think Ink

   So I am thinking about getting my very first tattoo. A delicate flower on my hip. It will be pretty and feminine. I have been contemplating this for some time now. Imagine my husbands surprise when I told him about this.
   The first thing he said was "It's your body, if you want to do it, then do it." Then he said "I am going to tell your mom." To which I replied, "Please don't do that." I am scared of my mom.
   Of course he was kidding. I am excited, he wants to go with me when I get it done. Kind of romantic really.
   I wont be tattooing his name on me of course. That would be the kiss of death.

Vindication

   Today I feel vindicated. I know this guy, who is a huge ass, who lost his job recently. Now I know it sounds awful to feel good about someone else's misfortune, but this guy really is a huge ass, and I am glad to know that I will no longer have to deal with him. Hmmm, the sun is shining...

Give me a Break

   Ok folks, I am taking a blog break. I will be back, but for now I have some things that need to be sorted out. Feel free to e-mail me at confessionsofclosetsinner@gmail.com I will be sure to check periodically. Thanks to my very few loyal readers, this really is fun and I enjoy the creative outlet. I will be back.

First Timer

   So today I went into an adult novelty store. For the first time. When I first walked in, I timidly walked about looking at the tame lingerie on the wall. I checked out the other people in the store, mostly to make sure no one would recognize me. And then I casually made my way to the back of the store.
   Wow the things a person can buy!!! I was impressed by the sheer variety of creams, lotions, and gels a person can drizzle on themselves, just to have someone else lick it off. Sounds sticky. Not to mention the mass amounts of edible underwear. Chocolate, candy, fruit leather, no laundry to take care of there. And then there was the wall of condoms. All of them do the same thing, but the colors, sizes and special effects, wow.
   I wasn't brave enough to venture to the far corner of the store. It looked daunting. Who knew sex had to be so complicated? Everything did look fun though. Maybe someday, I can get up the courage...

Call me Peter Parker

   I was chatting with a friend today a little bit about my closet sinning. He mentioned to me, that with my hypocrite status, I am actually living a double life. I pondered on that, and agreed he was right.
   For instance, my family and most of my friends are unaware of the fact that I drink. Like I said, I don't go out while in UT. I curse up a storm, but only around certain people. I watch all the rated R movies I can get my hands on, kind of a no-no in this community. I have a wicked sense of humor and I often say the most inappropriate things.
   Yet at home, I am the picture perfect ideal Utah County female. I go to church, I am raising two children, I am married and everything appears to be in place. Peter Parker has nothing on my secret identity.

Green with Envy

   So tonight I witnessed a strange phenomena. I went to a church activity where they were teaching a zumba class. I saw most every woman there actually get out on the floor and attempt to do it. And then, I quietly slipped away to the back to observe. I cant dance.
   I have no rhythm, no groove and no mad dance skills. I am terrible. I was seriously jealous to watch these other women get out there and rock at it for the first time. Old women and young women. It was incredible. Several of the ladies turned to me and beckoned me to come forth and participate.
   I smiled and quietly declined. I don't think any of them realize how seriously clumsy I am. I have a hard time walking a straight line, let alone actually dancing. I would really embarrass myself to have done such a thing. Plus it is entirely possible that I would have caused myself and others injury.
   I was never the one to be on the cheer squad, or the dance team, and I have no intention of joining now.

Competitive Nature

   I am a highly competitive person. This has gotten me into trouble from time to time as I tend to get frustrated and angry when things don't go my way. When I was a child, my family didn't want to play board games with me, because if I didn't like how it was going, I would throw a fit. I was that kid who "accidentally" tipped over the game board. Hmmm...
   I am currently coaching a basketball team. It is a church league and therefore should not be that competitive. Well it is in my opinion. I believe if you are going to do something, do it all the way and not half-assed. So I make my team practice. We meet once a week for a rigorous practice, we have plays going, we run. I always start with laps, and laps happen as punishment as well. Yes, I even punish them if I don't like their attitude.
   Needless to say, my team is kicking ass this season. We are undefeated. We play a hard game, and I don't let up on them until we leave the court. I take this very seriously.
   The refereeing isn't always the best either. Just last week I yelled at the ref for not calling an obvious foul. He looked at me like I was crazy. His face said, "This is church ball, who takes it as seriously as you are right now?" He has no idea who he is dealing with...

Hair Today, Gone Tomorrow

   I had a very serious moment of wrath this morning. Apparently my daughter got a piece of candy stuck in her hair, and thinking it would never come out, she just went at it with a pair of scissors. Secretly and quietly. Why did I not just help her, you ask? Because she never gave me the option.
   She is 7 now, you would think this kind of stuff would be past. She has cut her hair more times than I can remember, and all of them have been when she was at her dad's house. I have always attributed this to a lack of supervision, but now that the cutting has occurred here, I can never say that again, or it will be thrown right back at me.
   I did tell her there was no way I was taking her in to get it fixed. She will wear these consequences for a while. It was her bangs and they are now gone. How do you get candy stuck in your bangs anyway?
   GRRRRRRRR...

Hear No Evil

   I had a great conversation with a deaf person the other night. I was sitting next to him at the bar. He was standing. When the man on the other side of me left, I wanted to scoot the chairs down so that this guy could sit. I started talking, and he looked at me and mouthed the words, "I cant hear." Well I moved the chairs and tapped him on the shoulder so he could sit.
   At first we were both just watching the basketball game on TV. Then he grabbed a napkin and  started to write a message to me. We went on this way for about a half hour. It was great and so much fun.
   I however am a very sarcastic person, but it should be known, sarcasm does not come across to the deaf. So I would write something out, he would read it and I would be laughing while he just looked at me, with this quizzical smile on his face. Made me look a little idiotic.
   Right before I left, he told me he really appreciated me taking the time to make him feel like he was part of a conversation. I guess it doesn't happen all that often for the deaf. I honestly walked away wanting to learn sign language. I should add that to the list of languages I want to know, now it would be Spanish and ASL!

Power Lunch

   I gave away some power today at lunch. I said too much about my personal life, and I am pretty sure I made some of my friends feel like I have a very sad story. I don't, as a matter of fact I am a very happy person despite my closet sinning.
   A few of the co-workers there are older friends who seem to have a pretty good grasp on me, and what I am all about, but the other two there have just recently met me. So here I go, telling them about my debacherous living, and I look up to see a little bit of horror on their faces. I may have crossed the line of too much information.
   I like them all, and I felt bad about letting it go there. Plus I am entirely sure that it seemed worse that it all really is. I guess the worst part is that i cant just take it all back. You know that moment when you really wish you could go back in time, swallow your words and pretend it never happened? Yeah I was there.
   This is why I need to keep the sinning in the closet, the moment I let any of it out for others to see, I lose my audience and then I really feel judged. Oh well, everything happens for a reason, I will wait around and see what comes of it.

I can't belive I just got carded!!!

   Ok in all reality I didn't really get carded. Not in the traditional sense at least. I recently with out with some girlfriends while staying out of town, and I was approached by several men. Don't ask me why, but even as a married lady I can still get hit on :)
   So really by carded, I mean that I was able to collect a few business card on that trip. I didnt ask for them, they just kind of fell into my lap. So to speak.
   The first night I was there, I went to watch a football game on tv. A gentleman that was seated near me, started talking, We had some great conversation. I was disappointed when he and his friend left around half time, just because it was great to talk to talk with him.
   Right at the end of our conversation, he pulled out his business card and handed it to me.  Then he smiled at me and headed out the door. I looked down to see this card, and I immediately started giggling, It said he was into music, He is a music producer. He is also a pianist. However the last line in his description says Innovator. Who calls themselves that? I did keep the card though, I want to take it home and show it around.
   Now the hotel I was staying at was rather close to the restaurant my friends and I were frequenting. And so, I came stumbling in around 2 am, tired from working, and drinking. But I needed some coffee to sober up a little. The hotel night manager happily obliged and made a new pot just for me. I stayed up a little longer and drank coffee and conversed with him. A student of course, perfect job for a graveyard shift worker. I went to bed around 315.
   The next morning as I was walking to my car to head to work, a vehicle pulled up behind me. The window rolls down, and low and behold, here is the night manager. He hands me his business card. However, it has been altered. It is a card from the hotel, with the General Managers name on it, but he has added his info to the back. Along with his name and phone number, it also says call for a good time. I thought that was a phrase left to bathroom walls? It also says, calls only, no texts. Well, we are in the modern days here people, everyone texts.
   So my last business card came in another form. I had been telling someone about the funny cards I had been getting, so while I was at the movies with my friend, he left me his own version on my windshield. Four plastic zip ties, and a message on my hotel room phone saying he didn't have a business card, so this was the next best thing
   I did receive some other cards while on my trip, but they were not quite up to the caliber of the other ones. It did work for them though. I will never forget the cards with all of the interesting things on them, and I suppose that would be the point.

Workaholic

   This isn't what you think it is. I am not addicted to work. I am addicted to something that is work related in my experience. Drinking.
   As previously discussed, I go out of town for work quite often. This is when the closet sinning really comes out. I don't drink in UT. For one thing, the liquor laws are so strange, and the alcohol content is lower there. Therefore, to drink in UT, it costs twice as much and you get half as drunk.
   I have a friend who told me I was an alcholoic at work. Ok, I don't drink at work, but I do spend most of the evenings when I am out of town, consuming delicious beverages. Generally, I go quite a few weeks without drinking, and then go on a binge when I am out for work. Fun really.
   I like to sit in sports bars or restaurants that have a game on, and just watch whatever sport is on at the time. I like hockey, football, baseball, even fights. I enjoy drinking and talking to strangers, and just being social. Mostly I just hate to sit in my hotel room alone. So instead, I drink. Bad, but I enjoy it. Shhhh.

Hello, my name is...And I kill plants.

   I am a murderess. I have no regard for life. Ok, human life is important, as are animals. And, I do love plants, but only the ones that grow outside. I HATE HOUSE PLANTS!!!
   First off, I have allergies, and house plants seen to bring them out in me. I also notice that they collect dust, and lose their leaves, and generally die on me. I have no qualms about killing house plants.
   My husband loves them however. I get irritated walking in the house and seeing them there. Really, I have had murderous thoughts about them since the day he brought them home. He lovingly pots them, and waters them and offers them special food. He gives them Miracle Grow, and puts them in the light. I want to go and pick off all of their stupid leaves and flowers. But, the clever person that I am, I came up with a better and less obvious plan.
   The plants were on a table in the living room, and of course right where I put the Christmas tree every year. I had to move them, so I took them to my daughters room, and forgot about them.
   Imagine my surprise when I went in there to put something away, saw them on the dresser, dead and dry and flowerless. I snickered as I took their sad carcasses to the trash.

Lazy Days

   Oh how I love Saturdays. I got to sleep in today. Not something that I get to do as of late. The kids are off to their dads this weekend, and I didn't have to work today. So I stayed in bed. Til 8:45!!!
   Well technically I stayed in bed much longer than that. But I was awake and watching television, not folding laundry, not doing dishes, not even knitting. I literally didn't do anything. It was great.
   I used to spend many days kind of lazing about. Ok, in reality, I didn't do much for a long time. I was laid off from a job, and went from a full time employee to a full time stay at home mom. It was a very hard adjustment for me. I didn't like it much. I actually went through a bit of depression. Instead of being excited about having all this time to clean the house and really be a good wife and mother, I watched television, and movies, and slept. It was a very unhealthy thing to do. Pretty soon, I noticed I was putting on weight, and I was generally unhappy.
   Lucky for me, I snapped out of it, and now I feel like I don't ever have time to sit. Now I am so bogged down, I am going out of my mind. Where does it end? I guess for now, I will just have to enjoy these rare Saturdays, where nothing really has to be done.

Pillow Talk

   I talk in my sleep. Always have, and likely always will. I am very easy to understand, although I do talk about strange things. I have even been known to freak out about spiders that are not there, and all while I am sleeping. I will sing in my sleep, and converse in my sleep. Actually it worries me from time to time.
   I have vivid dreams, and I generally talk during these. I am always a little concerned that I am going to spill some vital information about myself, whilst sleeping. For instance, if I happen to dream about some other man, or doing something that wasn't a good thing, will I talk about it and give myself away?
   My husband wakes up all the time because I am talking so loud. He told me the other day, I was talking about sausages. Hmmm, wonder what I was dreaming about there.
   Hope I never call out someone else's name. That could really get me into trouble. It would be ever so hard to remain in the closet, if I confess my sins out loud. And then of course don't remember it. :)

Foreign Policy

   I love accents. Really, any accent is quite sexy in my opinion. There was a time that I was living in the great state of Texas and I loved the fact that everywhere I went, I was able to talk to people with different accents. That place was a melting pot of culture.
   I had one particular friend who had the most amazing accent. He was from an African nation, and he spoke five languages, including French. Very VERY sexy. We had a thing going on there.
   At the time I was single, which made listening to him even more delightful. We were good friends in the beginning and we could sit for hours just chatting away. Fantastic!!! I love culture, and getting to know all about his country was wonderful. It was nice to see things from a new perspective.
   So here I am, five years later, and still I am drawn to people who are different from me. I have a friend who recently made his first visit to the USA. A very nice young man, also with a very nice accent. On top of that, not too bad to look at either. But most importantly, he and I share a lot of common interests. We both like the same types of music, and his sense of humor is very similar to mine, which I thought was near impossible.
   I very much look forward to many long years of friendship with him. I am a married woman, so the only closet sin that will be committed here, will be in mind only. Sigh.

Some Like It Hot!!!

   Every girl should have at least one friend who is gay. Really, he will be amazing for your ego. I happen to have a few. If I am ever feeling down, I just need to call one of them up, and bam! I feel better about myself. Mostly because the compliments coming from them are amazing.
   I have had two children, and I don't necessarily have the greatest body anymore these days. I am not huge by any stretch of the imagination, but stretch is certainly what happened to my body during said pregnancies (marks).
   So today while talking with my gay friend he said he wanted to take me to a strip club, put me on the stage and stick bills in my g-string just to get the crowd going. I informed him that no one wants to see this body naked, even in the dark recesses of a strip club. That was when he lovingly said, "Honey, you are such a sexy and gorgeous girl, and men would come from miles around to look at you."
   Made my heart melt a little. :)

Curses, Foiled Again!!!

   I find cursing fascinating. There are moments in one's life, where the only appropriate word, is a swear word. Injury, crashes, total and utter embarrassment. Lucky for me, I am quite clumsy and I fall into these slots often. Therefore, I can swear more often than others. :)
   I live in Utah, and it snows here quite a bit, making the roadways quite slippery. Not too long ago, I was needing to get the garbage can out to the curb for trash pick-up. Now the driveway at the house was not exactly ideal for Utah winters. Very steep (I can only assume that the builders of said driveway were a. from out of town and b. here during the summer)
   This particular morning, there was a thin sheet of ice covered by a layer of snow on the driveway. I took the garbage can and started to wheel it down the driveway toward the street when suddenly, I realised that the can was pulling me much faster than I wanted to go. I slid, the can slid, I fell and severely twisted my foot and ankle.
   I then yelled out the most appropriate word for the occasion F***! Right at that moment, my cell phone rang. I picked it up and seeing that it was my mother, (she must have known I had just said such a horrid thing) I answered it, sobbing of course. She asked what was wrong and I quickly told her my tale of woe.
   After completing my story, she asked "Are you afraid your neighbors might have heard you say that?" To which I replied, "No, I hope that they did so that someone can come and pick my ass up off of the driveway!!!"
   Like I said, in the right situation, it may be the only word that fits.

Did You Hear About So and So...?

   Gossip is fun. There I have said it and it is out of the way. All of my female readers will know this to be true. I don't think I have ever known another female who doesn't participate in gossip somehow. It doesn't matter if you are old or young. Hell my daughter who is only 7 participates in it as well.
   I have friends, neighbors and enemies. Some fit into all three categories. However if they do, they don't know it. In particular I have a neighbor up the street whom I cant stand. When I see her, I want to choke the life out of her. Her children even make me feel murderous. She has no idea though. I am a smiler. I even talk to her at church, if I must. When I see her coming, I don't run and hide. Instead, I gather information, and then talk about it with a close friend of mine, who is basically on the same page. We giggle over her shortcomings, and her children's issues.
   My gossip sessions are relaxing to me. It means I have a moment to really sit and chat with a friend. It means that for just a small amount of time, I don't really have to be anywhere, or do anything or drive kids all over town. It is my time.
   Plus, I am not sure who it is really hurting anyway. She has no idea we talk about her. And really our gossip goes no further than the two of us. Also, what else would we talk about if it weren't for her?
   Justified? I think so.

Gluttonous Living

   I LOVE FOOD!!! I really do. I like all kinds of food. I pride myself on the fact that I am not a terribly picky eater. I will try nearly everything at least once. I even had duck for the first time today. I like all kinds of food. And if it is something I really like, I sometimes make myself sick trying to eat as much of it as I can.
   My most favorite kind of food is Mexican. I eat Mexican food more than once a week. I like burritos, enchiladas, tacos, quesadilla’s and I can pronounce most of what is on the menu. I like the flavors, I like the meat, I like the cheese and I like the sauces. I like fast food Mexican, restaurant Mexican, Authentic Mexican and Tex-Mex. It is all delicious to me. At night when I am hungry, I crave Mexican food. There is a place in my little part of the world that is open 24 hours and I have been there more than once at 2 am ordering pork burritos. Basically, Mexican does it for me.
   Seriously, I just finished eating dinner, and I am already thinking about food again. Mexican...
   What makes all of this gluttony worse is that I am a stay at home mom. After I drop the kids off to school, I think about how wonderful a breakfast sandwich would be. I am already in the car, and the drive up people don’t care if I have already done my hair, changed out of my pajamas or even checked to see if yesterday’s mascara is in a lovely ring under my eyes. So it is off to McDonalds for an egg mcmuffin. Already a healthy way to start the day.
   Since my kids are both in school I have plenty of time to think about food, and eat it all by myself. I love my children but they can really ruin mealtime. I enjoy nothing more than sitting down in front of the television or computer and eating. I like to go and get fast food from somewhere, or eat the leftovers from the fridge, or maybe just snack, but when I am alone, I feel no shame in eating as much as I want. No one is there to judge me, or look at me, or even know that I consumed an entire bag of Doritos all by myself.    However, as much as I love eating alone, I love to go out with friends as well. I am a social person, and I love to call someone up and say “Let’s have lunch together.” We go out, eat, talk and just sit and enjoy not having children clamoring at us. This is probably better for me, as I tend to eat less when there are other women around. Self preservation thing.
   Ok so now you are wondering, how does her gluttony really stay in the closet? I work out of town all the time. Don’t be confused with the stay at home mom thing I mentioned earlier. I work for a small company and very VERY part time. Less than 40 hours in an entire month. I travel to far off places and I generally go on my own. I stay in hotels and I get to sit and watch cable (a luxury we do not have at home) and eat whatever takeout I want. Who is going to know that I ordered Olive Garden, or enough Chinese food for three people and eat it all myself? Just like at home, I can get rid of the evidence, and no one will be the wiser. Plus, when I go it alone and take it home, the people at the restaurant probably think I am ordering for several people. I hope so anyway.  
   So here I am, a woman who is seemingly consumed by the thought of food. Luckily, as a gluttonous person, I have worked hard to keep a fairly trim figure. I think about food, but lately I have managed to never put into practice what I really want to do. Hope I can hold onto that, or I may have to be burned down with the house, poor Gilbert Grape.

Pride-My Friend, My Enemy

   So I am a pretty prideful person. Pride is supposed to really be the root of all evil. I can see that. Pride is generally what causes most wars. Pride has brought down many a man or woman, and I am no exception to this.
   I hate to have my pride injured. I am always right, at least I think so. It kills me when it turns out that I was possibly mistaken. It just happens so rarely, that when it does I am shocked beyond belief.
   I don't like to be told I am doing something wrong. As a mother, I think this is compounded even more. I have two young children, and for years, everything I did was amazing. I couldn't go wrong, except for maybe a bad dinner or two. However, they are getting older, and I am not so perfect any longer. I think my daughter is even starting to figure out that I am terrible at math. And she is only 7!!!
   Recently, I went to parent teacher conferences with my children. It was brought to my attention that I am not doing the homework procedure properly. I need to check the homework and sign each day that it is complete. Also, I need to be writing down exactly how many minutes are read each night. All of the homework is due on Friday with all of my initials, and my signature attached. I am not sure why it is that I have to do all of these signings? I work hard every day, and I get them to do the homework. If they are turning it in, and it is complete, why do I have to prove that I watched them do it? So irritating.
   Instead, I informed the teacher that all of their reading is completed, I also advised her that I do not need to babysit them at homework time, as I have much to do on my own. She didn't look too happy. I just think that this kind of protocol is ridiculous.
  So, even though I was being told I was doing it wrong, I left satisfied knowing that I will show her. And my pride was still intact.
  

What is a closet sinner?

   So here it goes. My first blog post. I have always wanted to do this, but personally I fear ridicule. Here I am, about to pour out my soul to thousands (I hope that many someday) of people out there, including family and friends I am sure. I will remain as private as possible, my name will be changed to protect the not so innocent.
   I am a firm believer in Hell and all it entails. Weeping, wailing and gnashing of teeth is a phrase I have heard many times to describe this warmer climate known as the home of Satan. My friends and family on more than one occasion have heard me declare I will be riding the bus to Hell, if not driving it. No worries though, it is a big bus, plenty of seats, even handicap accessible, and I am more than happy to accommodate any who wish to come out and announce proudly, that they are, as well as myself, a closet sinner.
   So what exactly makes one a closet sinner? I would say it is the little things in life that slowly ebb away at our goodness until we realize we are being consumed by an inescapable fire. Do you remember the story of the frog? Throw him into the pot of boiling water and he will surely jump out. Put him in the water and then set it to boil and he will stay, until of course he has become a nice frog leg appetizer. MMMMM!!!
   So my closet sins? I like to gossip. I curse, and I do have strong feeling of dislike (these tend to be towards my ex-husband and an old friend who betrayed me). I also like the drink. Not that I drink often or hardly at all these days, but I still think about it. On a rough day, I really want a cold beer. I love food, I over sleep and I have a tendency towards laziness. I have at one time or another committed nearly all of The Seven Deadly Sins and the Ten Commandments (except for murder, although I have wanted to kill my children from time to time).
   But to really be a closet sinner, you have to hide all of this from others. Most of my friends and family have no idea how bad I really am. I go to church on Sunday’s. I appear to be good in all aspects of my life, unless I believe no one is watching me. I go out of town a lot on business. That is when I do most of my sinning, but then I go home and all of that is shut up into the closet.
   Even though I appear to be fairly good in my day to day existence, I never claim sainthood. I don’t think of myself as better than anyone else. I am just better at hiding it than most.
   So here it is. I guess this is almost my way of going to confession. Maybe I will be lucky enough to have a priest read this, call me up and tell me how many Hail Mary’s I need to say, and then absolve me of my sins. But then again, I would have to write this under my real name and not a pseudonym wouldn’t I? After all, I want to remain in the closet.