Think Ink

   So I am thinking about getting my very first tattoo. A delicate flower on my hip. It will be pretty and feminine. I have been contemplating this for some time now. Imagine my husbands surprise when I told him about this.
   The first thing he said was "It's your body, if you want to do it, then do it." Then he said "I am going to tell your mom." To which I replied, "Please don't do that." I am scared of my mom.
   Of course he was kidding. I am excited, he wants to go with me when I get it done. Kind of romantic really.
   I wont be tattooing his name on me of course. That would be the kiss of death.

Vindication

   Today I feel vindicated. I know this guy, who is a huge ass, who lost his job recently. Now I know it sounds awful to feel good about someone else's misfortune, but this guy really is a huge ass, and I am glad to know that I will no longer have to deal with him. Hmmm, the sun is shining...

Give me a Break

   Ok folks, I am taking a blog break. I will be back, but for now I have some things that need to be sorted out. Feel free to e-mail me at confessionsofclosetsinner@gmail.com I will be sure to check periodically. Thanks to my very few loyal readers, this really is fun and I enjoy the creative outlet. I will be back.

First Timer

   So today I went into an adult novelty store. For the first time. When I first walked in, I timidly walked about looking at the tame lingerie on the wall. I checked out the other people in the store, mostly to make sure no one would recognize me. And then I casually made my way to the back of the store.
   Wow the things a person can buy!!! I was impressed by the sheer variety of creams, lotions, and gels a person can drizzle on themselves, just to have someone else lick it off. Sounds sticky. Not to mention the mass amounts of edible underwear. Chocolate, candy, fruit leather, no laundry to take care of there. And then there was the wall of condoms. All of them do the same thing, but the colors, sizes and special effects, wow.
   I wasn't brave enough to venture to the far corner of the store. It looked daunting. Who knew sex had to be so complicated? Everything did look fun though. Maybe someday, I can get up the courage...

Call me Peter Parker

   I was chatting with a friend today a little bit about my closet sinning. He mentioned to me, that with my hypocrite status, I am actually living a double life. I pondered on that, and agreed he was right.
   For instance, my family and most of my friends are unaware of the fact that I drink. Like I said, I don't go out while in UT. I curse up a storm, but only around certain people. I watch all the rated R movies I can get my hands on, kind of a no-no in this community. I have a wicked sense of humor and I often say the most inappropriate things.
   Yet at home, I am the picture perfect ideal Utah County female. I go to church, I am raising two children, I am married and everything appears to be in place. Peter Parker has nothing on my secret identity.

Green with Envy

   So tonight I witnessed a strange phenomena. I went to a church activity where they were teaching a zumba class. I saw most every woman there actually get out on the floor and attempt to do it. And then, I quietly slipped away to the back to observe. I cant dance.
   I have no rhythm, no groove and no mad dance skills. I am terrible. I was seriously jealous to watch these other women get out there and rock at it for the first time. Old women and young women. It was incredible. Several of the ladies turned to me and beckoned me to come forth and participate.
   I smiled and quietly declined. I don't think any of them realize how seriously clumsy I am. I have a hard time walking a straight line, let alone actually dancing. I would really embarrass myself to have done such a thing. Plus it is entirely possible that I would have caused myself and others injury.
   I was never the one to be on the cheer squad, or the dance team, and I have no intention of joining now.

Competitive Nature

   I am a highly competitive person. This has gotten me into trouble from time to time as I tend to get frustrated and angry when things don't go my way. When I was a child, my family didn't want to play board games with me, because if I didn't like how it was going, I would throw a fit. I was that kid who "accidentally" tipped over the game board. Hmmm...
   I am currently coaching a basketball team. It is a church league and therefore should not be that competitive. Well it is in my opinion. I believe if you are going to do something, do it all the way and not half-assed. So I make my team practice. We meet once a week for a rigorous practice, we have plays going, we run. I always start with laps, and laps happen as punishment as well. Yes, I even punish them if I don't like their attitude.
   Needless to say, my team is kicking ass this season. We are undefeated. We play a hard game, and I don't let up on them until we leave the court. I take this very seriously.
   The refereeing isn't always the best either. Just last week I yelled at the ref for not calling an obvious foul. He looked at me like I was crazy. His face said, "This is church ball, who takes it as seriously as you are right now?" He has no idea who he is dealing with...

Hair Today, Gone Tomorrow

   I had a very serious moment of wrath this morning. Apparently my daughter got a piece of candy stuck in her hair, and thinking it would never come out, she just went at it with a pair of scissors. Secretly and quietly. Why did I not just help her, you ask? Because she never gave me the option.
   She is 7 now, you would think this kind of stuff would be past. She has cut her hair more times than I can remember, and all of them have been when she was at her dad's house. I have always attributed this to a lack of supervision, but now that the cutting has occurred here, I can never say that again, or it will be thrown right back at me.
   I did tell her there was no way I was taking her in to get it fixed. She will wear these consequences for a while. It was her bangs and they are now gone. How do you get candy stuck in your bangs anyway?
   GRRRRRRRR...

Hear No Evil

   I had a great conversation with a deaf person the other night. I was sitting next to him at the bar. He was standing. When the man on the other side of me left, I wanted to scoot the chairs down so that this guy could sit. I started talking, and he looked at me and mouthed the words, "I cant hear." Well I moved the chairs and tapped him on the shoulder so he could sit.
   At first we were both just watching the basketball game on TV. Then he grabbed a napkin and  started to write a message to me. We went on this way for about a half hour. It was great and so much fun.
   I however am a very sarcastic person, but it should be known, sarcasm does not come across to the deaf. So I would write something out, he would read it and I would be laughing while he just looked at me, with this quizzical smile on his face. Made me look a little idiotic.
   Right before I left, he told me he really appreciated me taking the time to make him feel like he was part of a conversation. I guess it doesn't happen all that often for the deaf. I honestly walked away wanting to learn sign language. I should add that to the list of languages I want to know, now it would be Spanish and ASL!

Power Lunch

   I gave away some power today at lunch. I said too much about my personal life, and I am pretty sure I made some of my friends feel like I have a very sad story. I don't, as a matter of fact I am a very happy person despite my closet sinning.
   A few of the co-workers there are older friends who seem to have a pretty good grasp on me, and what I am all about, but the other two there have just recently met me. So here I go, telling them about my debacherous living, and I look up to see a little bit of horror on their faces. I may have crossed the line of too much information.
   I like them all, and I felt bad about letting it go there. Plus I am entirely sure that it seemed worse that it all really is. I guess the worst part is that i cant just take it all back. You know that moment when you really wish you could go back in time, swallow your words and pretend it never happened? Yeah I was there.
   This is why I need to keep the sinning in the closet, the moment I let any of it out for others to see, I lose my audience and then I really feel judged. Oh well, everything happens for a reason, I will wait around and see what comes of it.

I can't belive I just got carded!!!

   Ok in all reality I didn't really get carded. Not in the traditional sense at least. I recently with out with some girlfriends while staying out of town, and I was approached by several men. Don't ask me why, but even as a married lady I can still get hit on :)
   So really by carded, I mean that I was able to collect a few business card on that trip. I didnt ask for them, they just kind of fell into my lap. So to speak.
   The first night I was there, I went to watch a football game on tv. A gentleman that was seated near me, started talking, We had some great conversation. I was disappointed when he and his friend left around half time, just because it was great to talk to talk with him.
   Right at the end of our conversation, he pulled out his business card and handed it to me.  Then he smiled at me and headed out the door. I looked down to see this card, and I immediately started giggling, It said he was into music, He is a music producer. He is also a pianist. However the last line in his description says Innovator. Who calls themselves that? I did keep the card though, I want to take it home and show it around.
   Now the hotel I was staying at was rather close to the restaurant my friends and I were frequenting. And so, I came stumbling in around 2 am, tired from working, and drinking. But I needed some coffee to sober up a little. The hotel night manager happily obliged and made a new pot just for me. I stayed up a little longer and drank coffee and conversed with him. A student of course, perfect job for a graveyard shift worker. I went to bed around 315.
   The next morning as I was walking to my car to head to work, a vehicle pulled up behind me. The window rolls down, and low and behold, here is the night manager. He hands me his business card. However, it has been altered. It is a card from the hotel, with the General Managers name on it, but he has added his info to the back. Along with his name and phone number, it also says call for a good time. I thought that was a phrase left to bathroom walls? It also says, calls only, no texts. Well, we are in the modern days here people, everyone texts.
   So my last business card came in another form. I had been telling someone about the funny cards I had been getting, so while I was at the movies with my friend, he left me his own version on my windshield. Four plastic zip ties, and a message on my hotel room phone saying he didn't have a business card, so this was the next best thing
   I did receive some other cards while on my trip, but they were not quite up to the caliber of the other ones. It did work for them though. I will never forget the cards with all of the interesting things on them, and I suppose that would be the point.

Workaholic

   This isn't what you think it is. I am not addicted to work. I am addicted to something that is work related in my experience. Drinking.
   As previously discussed, I go out of town for work quite often. This is when the closet sinning really comes out. I don't drink in UT. For one thing, the liquor laws are so strange, and the alcohol content is lower there. Therefore, to drink in UT, it costs twice as much and you get half as drunk.
   I have a friend who told me I was an alcholoic at work. Ok, I don't drink at work, but I do spend most of the evenings when I am out of town, consuming delicious beverages. Generally, I go quite a few weeks without drinking, and then go on a binge when I am out for work. Fun really.
   I like to sit in sports bars or restaurants that have a game on, and just watch whatever sport is on at the time. I like hockey, football, baseball, even fights. I enjoy drinking and talking to strangers, and just being social. Mostly I just hate to sit in my hotel room alone. So instead, I drink. Bad, but I enjoy it. Shhhh.

Hello, my name is...And I kill plants.

   I am a murderess. I have no regard for life. Ok, human life is important, as are animals. And, I do love plants, but only the ones that grow outside. I HATE HOUSE PLANTS!!!
   First off, I have allergies, and house plants seen to bring them out in me. I also notice that they collect dust, and lose their leaves, and generally die on me. I have no qualms about killing house plants.
   My husband loves them however. I get irritated walking in the house and seeing them there. Really, I have had murderous thoughts about them since the day he brought them home. He lovingly pots them, and waters them and offers them special food. He gives them Miracle Grow, and puts them in the light. I want to go and pick off all of their stupid leaves and flowers. But, the clever person that I am, I came up with a better and less obvious plan.
   The plants were on a table in the living room, and of course right where I put the Christmas tree every year. I had to move them, so I took them to my daughters room, and forgot about them.
   Imagine my surprise when I went in there to put something away, saw them on the dresser, dead and dry and flowerless. I snickered as I took their sad carcasses to the trash.

Lazy Days

   Oh how I love Saturdays. I got to sleep in today. Not something that I get to do as of late. The kids are off to their dads this weekend, and I didn't have to work today. So I stayed in bed. Til 8:45!!!
   Well technically I stayed in bed much longer than that. But I was awake and watching television, not folding laundry, not doing dishes, not even knitting. I literally didn't do anything. It was great.
   I used to spend many days kind of lazing about. Ok, in reality, I didn't do much for a long time. I was laid off from a job, and went from a full time employee to a full time stay at home mom. It was a very hard adjustment for me. I didn't like it much. I actually went through a bit of depression. Instead of being excited about having all this time to clean the house and really be a good wife and mother, I watched television, and movies, and slept. It was a very unhealthy thing to do. Pretty soon, I noticed I was putting on weight, and I was generally unhappy.
   Lucky for me, I snapped out of it, and now I feel like I don't ever have time to sit. Now I am so bogged down, I am going out of my mind. Where does it end? I guess for now, I will just have to enjoy these rare Saturdays, where nothing really has to be done.

Pillow Talk

   I talk in my sleep. Always have, and likely always will. I am very easy to understand, although I do talk about strange things. I have even been known to freak out about spiders that are not there, and all while I am sleeping. I will sing in my sleep, and converse in my sleep. Actually it worries me from time to time.
   I have vivid dreams, and I generally talk during these. I am always a little concerned that I am going to spill some vital information about myself, whilst sleeping. For instance, if I happen to dream about some other man, or doing something that wasn't a good thing, will I talk about it and give myself away?
   My husband wakes up all the time because I am talking so loud. He told me the other day, I was talking about sausages. Hmmm, wonder what I was dreaming about there.
   Hope I never call out someone else's name. That could really get me into trouble. It would be ever so hard to remain in the closet, if I confess my sins out loud. And then of course don't remember it. :)

Foreign Policy

   I love accents. Really, any accent is quite sexy in my opinion. There was a time that I was living in the great state of Texas and I loved the fact that everywhere I went, I was able to talk to people with different accents. That place was a melting pot of culture.
   I had one particular friend who had the most amazing accent. He was from an African nation, and he spoke five languages, including French. Very VERY sexy. We had a thing going on there.
   At the time I was single, which made listening to him even more delightful. We were good friends in the beginning and we could sit for hours just chatting away. Fantastic!!! I love culture, and getting to know all about his country was wonderful. It was nice to see things from a new perspective.
   So here I am, five years later, and still I am drawn to people who are different from me. I have a friend who recently made his first visit to the USA. A very nice young man, also with a very nice accent. On top of that, not too bad to look at either. But most importantly, he and I share a lot of common interests. We both like the same types of music, and his sense of humor is very similar to mine, which I thought was near impossible.
   I very much look forward to many long years of friendship with him. I am a married woman, so the only closet sin that will be committed here, will be in mind only. Sigh.

Some Like It Hot!!!

   Every girl should have at least one friend who is gay. Really, he will be amazing for your ego. I happen to have a few. If I am ever feeling down, I just need to call one of them up, and bam! I feel better about myself. Mostly because the compliments coming from them are amazing.
   I have had two children, and I don't necessarily have the greatest body anymore these days. I am not huge by any stretch of the imagination, but stretch is certainly what happened to my body during said pregnancies (marks).
   So today while talking with my gay friend he said he wanted to take me to a strip club, put me on the stage and stick bills in my g-string just to get the crowd going. I informed him that no one wants to see this body naked, even in the dark recesses of a strip club. That was when he lovingly said, "Honey, you are such a sexy and gorgeous girl, and men would come from miles around to look at you."
   Made my heart melt a little. :)

Curses, Foiled Again!!!

   I find cursing fascinating. There are moments in one's life, where the only appropriate word, is a swear word. Injury, crashes, total and utter embarrassment. Lucky for me, I am quite clumsy and I fall into these slots often. Therefore, I can swear more often than others. :)
   I live in Utah, and it snows here quite a bit, making the roadways quite slippery. Not too long ago, I was needing to get the garbage can out to the curb for trash pick-up. Now the driveway at the house was not exactly ideal for Utah winters. Very steep (I can only assume that the builders of said driveway were a. from out of town and b. here during the summer)
   This particular morning, there was a thin sheet of ice covered by a layer of snow on the driveway. I took the garbage can and started to wheel it down the driveway toward the street when suddenly, I realised that the can was pulling me much faster than I wanted to go. I slid, the can slid, I fell and severely twisted my foot and ankle.
   I then yelled out the most appropriate word for the occasion F***! Right at that moment, my cell phone rang. I picked it up and seeing that it was my mother, (she must have known I had just said such a horrid thing) I answered it, sobbing of course. She asked what was wrong and I quickly told her my tale of woe.
   After completing my story, she asked "Are you afraid your neighbors might have heard you say that?" To which I replied, "No, I hope that they did so that someone can come and pick my ass up off of the driveway!!!"
   Like I said, in the right situation, it may be the only word that fits.

Did You Hear About So and So...?

   Gossip is fun. There I have said it and it is out of the way. All of my female readers will know this to be true. I don't think I have ever known another female who doesn't participate in gossip somehow. It doesn't matter if you are old or young. Hell my daughter who is only 7 participates in it as well.
   I have friends, neighbors and enemies. Some fit into all three categories. However if they do, they don't know it. In particular I have a neighbor up the street whom I cant stand. When I see her, I want to choke the life out of her. Her children even make me feel murderous. She has no idea though. I am a smiler. I even talk to her at church, if I must. When I see her coming, I don't run and hide. Instead, I gather information, and then talk about it with a close friend of mine, who is basically on the same page. We giggle over her shortcomings, and her children's issues.
   My gossip sessions are relaxing to me. It means I have a moment to really sit and chat with a friend. It means that for just a small amount of time, I don't really have to be anywhere, or do anything or drive kids all over town. It is my time.
   Plus, I am not sure who it is really hurting anyway. She has no idea we talk about her. And really our gossip goes no further than the two of us. Also, what else would we talk about if it weren't for her?
   Justified? I think so.